Forgive My Guilt

Forgive My Guilt

By: Holly Genova-Daly

Not always sure what things called sins might be,

I am sure of one sin I have done.

It was not a single incident, but a series of events,

All involving you, my love

We eventually lost that battle, still not sure about the war

Two lovers, in the same house, but in different universes

It didn’t start that way, of course.

We were close before the drift.

He slowly pulled away from us, from me.

Each day a little farther away from one,

Until the relationship that was, wasn’t.

Walking through church, restaurants, and stores

I see lovers, husbands and wives, laughing, playing, talking

It makes me happy

And sad

I silently pray for them and wish them well,

Knowing how quickly and painfully things can turn.

Looking back,

I wonder if I should have been kinder,

Whether I should have put my anger aside?

My sadness as lessened, but the pain is still raw

It never disappears.

Could I have offered more love?

I should have offered more love.

Too late now?

But I still hope…

That you my love, my husband, forgive my guilt

The current storm....

My life continues to become more and more chaotic and I do not know when the storm is going to end.
It has been six weeks since David quit his job and left for Michigan and the pain is still just as fresh. As soon as the eye of the storm appears and there is a calmness for a moment, something else will come up and the waves will start crashing again. Today, it was that he cancelled our health insurance, this past Friday he turned off all of the utilities in our house. The utilities have been restored and  I was able to start the process of adding insurance through my job, which I am grateful to have, but I will be paying $480 dollars a month for health insurance. This would not be a problem, but David has refused to pay child support and wants to give up his rights to our sweet, baby girl, Cadence.
I just don't know how much more I can take.

People in my life want to know why I have not filled for divorce yet. The answer is simple, my husband suffers from mental illness.  I would not want a divorce if he had cancer but people do not understand the dark beast that is mental illness.

Today I am going to find things to be grateful for because otherwise I would drown. I am grateful for God's mercy and grace, because I have been forgiven, I am able to forgive, I am grateful for the faithfulness of my little girl, who waits daily on her father to come home. I am grateful that my husband is still alive, because it allows me to have hope that he will have a break and receive treatment. I am grateful for insurance, even though I do not know how I am going to afford it. I am grateful for my family who has been unbelievably supportive and helpful. I am grateful for my job, health, dogs, and friends.

I am grateful for tomorrow because weather changes quickly in Texas and a storm can only last for so long. At least I hope that is true....